In light of the race for the pennant, I am coming out of the closet – I am not a sports fan. To simply say that I’m not a fan truly does not do justice to my distaste for sports that I have been harboring as a Bostonian now for the past three years.

OK there. I said it. Now pick your jaw up off the floor and hold in your ‘gasps’ and let me explain. Upon telling a friend of mine who is like most Bostonians, a sports fan[atic], he looked at me wide-eyed, as if the future of our friendship was tethered to my response, and said, “well surely there is something you like about some sport…. somewhere”. And well,no, there isn’t.

Baseball, despite the player’s brag-worthy backsides, takes a long time and the players spit way too often. The only good thing about soccer is it has a running clock. Football? A bunch of grown men in matching spandex dog piling one another first on the 10, and wait… same thing on the 20 and so on? Check Please. Basketball makes me wish I were taller, wrestling makes me hungry, gymnasts make me anorexic… need I say more?

While some may think that living with this set of beliefs is just a walk in the park – anyone who believes that has never lived in Boston. Jerseys in the classrooms, hats at the GSU, little B’s and odd looking leprechauns literally winking at you around ever corner. Try going to a bar on game night. Your best bet is to stay home. You could walk around stark nude and not turn a single head – unless you have a caricature of Bill Belichick tattooed between your shoulder blades or a “this is for Big Papi” on your left buttocks.

So why am I telling you this? Well for starters, if you’re coming to Boston, are anything like me and would rather sip your soda sans “that went right to him!” shouting, then you’re going to need this:

“Screw the Sox: A Survival Guide for Those Who Care More About Red Pumps”

(Just a little book I came up with)

1. Fake It. I know that sounds hypocritical coming from me, but believe me, there is no conversation more irrational or mind-numbing than being brow beaten for your beliefs. The only thing that can take sports fans’ attention away from sports, is hearing how you too don’t pray 5 times a day to the Green Monster. You may curse the day Paul Peirce was born. Keep it to yourself.

2. Always have an answer. If you choose not to follow rule No. 1, be prepared to hear some of the most ridiculous reasoning for why said fan hasn’t changed their underwear in a week, or how sports brings the nation together, or other outlandish statements. When being confronted, it is necessary to fight fire with fire. I.E. To: “Sports has always saved our country… think back to the Great Depression… without sports, where would we be?” I say: “That was then. Prozac is now”

3. Stick to your guns. At the end of the day, just like what you like and know in your heart of hearts, you can never please a sports fan. Proof? Whether they win or they lose… they riot.